I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
