as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
