If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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