I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
