Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
