I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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