her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize