A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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