we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
