So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
