if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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