I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
