My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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