life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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