Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
