i need an iv and a liver transplant
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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