Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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