i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
