You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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