I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
