you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
