My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
