is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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