I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just made my gag reflex go away.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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