You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
