we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
