omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
