I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
