Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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