Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
