She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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