Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
