Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
