If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
