Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize