just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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