hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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