When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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