Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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