No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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