remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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