If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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