I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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