The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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