Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
