Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
