Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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