Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
