Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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