Duck Duck Cougar?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
