I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize