belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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