i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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