Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
