Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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