just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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