so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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