I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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