I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
